Tom - a shot in the foot [ back to top ]

maybe i shoot myself in the foot with all this hope that i get from memories of old times and other times and times that i should be having now but for some reason stopped having because no one cares about having times like that anymore. it was a good moment when everyone cared for everyone and i could almost feel the full force of this unit headed straight into it's own inevitable brick wall. in the end we have a reduction. what would you say if you saw me? what will you say when you decide to feel that way too? i just smile and know in my heart that i tried my best and the fact that you couldn't is what killed what you claimed to love. so please, thank the academy and all the little people you've stepped on and all the people you'll continue to treat like pieces of shit and all the people that will continue to let you pull a big fucking piece of wool over there eyes. you're all the sameand you keep coming after me year after year. i can't follow through this time.

Tom - i don't have a dream anymore [ back to top ]

fuck this. i didn't know it would take so much effort to please those who expect the world from me. i ran out of energy and toilet paper so i'm no longer wipping anyones ass for them. i feel like a new man who could tell the biggest baddest threat to fuck off. and maybe i'll treat myself to something nice while i'm at it.
music isn't everything, it's the only thing.
music isn't everything, it's the only thing.
music isn't everything, it's the only thing.
music isn't everything, it's the only thing.
music isn't everything, it's the only thing.
music isn't everything, it's the only thing.
music isn't everything, it's the only thing that i wish could always work out, could always last forever, could change the way people treat each other, could make me feel like i belong to a force stronger than the temptation of money. fuck you. fuck off. stop having dreams that will never come true because you only expect everyone else to have the same dreams, to hold the same expectations, to have the same standards for themselves. who the fuck am i to try and make this a reality? let me ask myself a question over and over because it won't get better by trying, it only gets worse.

Tom - dinnertime [ back to top ]

dinner is served because i know that you only have a few bucks. but i think that maybe we could say please sometimes and save our stacking for the daytime when we should unleash on the people who deserve it the most. not me, not you, but them. who's them. don't mistake them for me.

Tom - consideration callback [ back to top ]

i didn't check my watch because you didn't check your watch. what's the point of having a watch to check if you're not going to hold up your end of the deal. what's the deal. consideration is more than a deal, i always looked at it as an obligation to the people and things i think are important. so take my king i'll squash your rook and we can call it even in an unspoken gesture of actions that people never talk about unless i bring them up. unless i throw them on the ground because that's the direction you're looking in when i open my mouth, when i bring up my words, when i call you on your consideration. don't bother calling me back.

Tom - I don't have to look, they identified themselves for me [ back to top ]

an apology makes me see that this was something more than a sound that we made, rolling on the floor, bickering behind backs. it doesn't take much for me to see that we knew all along. the end would come and go but communication is what i always wanted to acheive. it's funny that our timing contradicts what we set out to do. and now some have traded that for bright lights and dark cloth, attitude riding into the next new wave of post-this or post-that. but i'll stick to my original gun, it always worked so well in blowing off the heads and arms of the first few years 'inefficiences'. so i can't spell, i never said i could. i never said i could do anything i couldn't do. i never said i was anyone that i wasn't. yeah, i'm proud, but more so misunderstood for not subscribing to everyone's best friend and bowing down to the popular opinion of political friendships. political friendships aren't really freindships at all, are they? just fancy arrangements of two people taking what they need from each other in a nice way so that no one will point and stare and wonder how they can sleep at night when they whore themselves to be frontman of the next big wave.

Tom - Answering Guest #56 06.06.00 [ back to top ]

i feel bad for these bands that are so caught up in the fashion of things. this whole "look at me i'm so jaded" thing. anyone can wear all black, grease there hair, and be a fucking snob to the very people that are supporting there band.

we've recently been attacked on our guestbook as being unoriginal for having having a member of the band that plays keyboards. i don't understand the nature of this statement. i mean does this kid go around to every other bands web page who have guitar players and say "guitars are so unoriginal". probably not. however, most hc/punk bands feature atleast one or more guitar players. if anything, having guitars in a band in the most unoriginal thing. if you're going to criticize us, atleast do it for the things we are unoriginal about.

but see, keyboards are attached to this whole fashion (according to the simple minded guestbook trashing computer scensters of the world). i see it as another instrument, one that most hc/punk don't use enough of. however, in this case, the simple minded individual who criticized us sees a keyboard as an aesthetic, as if we're going to be wearing the keyboard like some pair of snotty mod tight black pants or something ridiculous like that. please get over yourself. a keyboard is an instrument, not a fashion statement. i don't see us getting into any "cool" hardcore cliche or getting a good review in some zine because we're 'the band with the keyboard'.

i know, it's hard to belive that there is actually a few bands out there who don't give a shit about fashion, but they do exist. we're one of them. so save you're originality comments for some san deigo wanna-be's or perhaps the endless number of pop bands writing songs about how cute they are.

perhaps you could actually leave your real email address next time. but i understand how you computer scenesters hate analytical confrontation.

Jay - Untitled 01.17.00 [ back to top ]

It's like a weak plot to a low budget B-grade science fiction flick. The rich, powerful, and almighty dominate their planet based on the sweat, blood and hard labor of their brothers and sisters; these greedy creatures known as "humyn beings". Meanwhile, the "lower class", a beautiful living, feeling, breathing society, is forced into slavery. Blanketed by an occasional paper credit, they live their disheartened lives blind, but march nobely through the broken glass of their financial struggles. All the while, they hold on despairingly to their dreams of an absolute. A taste of pure freedom.

But this is not a movie. The slavery is real, and it repeats itself in every single day of life on Earth. We grudgingly report to our cubicle prisons for three quarters of our lives, but never find the satisfaction we yearn for. I remember my youth. When I was happy. Before I was purchased by a mindless corporate money-maker. My mother would tell me to enjoy it (youth) while it lasts, because it isn't forever. I see those words now as the only advice I really wish I took advantage of. She broke it to me that someday I would grow up, and have to accept "real life" responsibilities. I would have to be responsible for my bills. I would have to learn to always be on time for the pre-written out schedule arrangements our lives become based on. And all the while I would be smiling, because I'd be happy with the independent young man I have fought so hard to become. Well, I'm there now. I'm a 22-year old self-supportive man, and 'happy' wouldnt be among my first choice of words used to express where Ive found myself.

Where's the satisfaction? Wheres the true love, beauty, and essense of life? We never asked for this. We want to be comforted by the warmth of the sun, not by the artificial heat of a half dead car at six thirty in the morning. We want to be woken up by the love of life through a set of lungs filled with natural country air. Not through the scolding hot drugged coffe in between our legs while driving. It doesnt seem fair to me at all. Shouldn't we have the freedom to eat, without having to exploit yourself? Should we really have to run each other over in a hampster wheel race for the simple nessesity of a private, and warm place to sleep? Shouldn't we have the right to live free, and for ourselves, without wasting our years slaves as we earn profits for the high almighty greedy corporation?Ive tried to understand. Ive lied to myself that this is the way we live, and it has/will never settle well with myself.

We deserve more.

Jay - Untitled 04.21.99 [ back to top ]

i blasted through that rusted gateway, and took 70 like it was heroin.
i layed there with you, and i saw a graveyard.
a graveyard and a bomb encased in a new york city fire hydrant.
my mind, my hands on the line.
toppling towards thorned paradise.
heavy eyes and heavier thoughts.
please, dont expect, or want that.
believe me, we can do without.
and now im seeing a nightgown that scares the hell out of me.

Jay - Out of Line 03.04.99 [ back to top ]

hello friend. how have you been? is everything cool with you? because i, for one have been biting my fingers until they bleed. in my blank state, that pain feels so good. but hey! how about the good old days!!! do you remember? we used to shoot fire together. all we needed was a destination. we would focous, aim, and burn the fuckers down. maybe that's not entirely true on my part, but that's besides the point.

i would almost always confide in you. still do. its so far gone, i know, but you are my addiction. two visits ago, you almost killed me. did you know that? probably not, i mean, how would you? its not like your nearly as focoused on me as i am on you. did you notice in these days, how poetry has turned into a verbal sandstorm? they're not even poetic anymore. just ramblings of disgruntled outlooks. its not at all like a personal lyric.
a justification.
a betrayal.
an inconfident.
its all fucked, just like our stance is today.

Jay - Stalemate 03.99 [ back to top ]

i wish i could say every night i see you crumble.
but these days, you have invested in proper channels controlling the franchised dream states.
your chess peices are set in masterfull psycho therapeutics.
ranks imagined inside your entire network of the pawn drones.
even the king your victims kneel to.
and still i would trade a lifetime's fight to hear you call out a "stalemate".

Jay - Sequel 09.10.98 [ back to top ]

...and i swear to you that im scared to death
because i see this worlds steep decline.
as all violently shakes and shatters to to an end.
how dare i stand by without even a twitch.
"your dying" i inwardly whisper.
dying with, and by a newfound love.
that takes your place, sees your end.
...and we shatter
and scatter under twilight skies.
deserts
to winters
to oceans
to gardens
arisen from yout turbulent end.
from within your ugly, outcasted shell breaks through undescribable
beauty one hundred times more powerfull than it's decendent.
branching out in millions of destined directions.
one million heavens found down every path.

Tom - Untitled 03.06.00 [ back to top ]

some people might say i'm in a good position. and maybe i am. but now what? after the 8-5, what come's next. if this is it then i think i got a bad ticket.

today was the first day of the end of my life. i joined the work force as a college graduate. i'm having a hard time adjusting to the fact that i'm old. this is it, monday through friday, 8-5, holidays off, 5 sick days per year, and one week vacation per year. where is my chance to live? i get the nights and the weekends and the restrictions of the tri state area, that's all the living i'm going to get out of this deal. i know, it's not the end. anyone could leave a job whenever they want. anyone can throw caution to the wind and roll the dice. but i've convinced myself that someone threw the dice in the river.

as a child you never think you're going to grow up. you never think you'll have to worry about health insurance, 401k, and things of that nature. i don't really think that things like that define what adults are, but they definately scare the hell out of you.

the past two years went by in about two seconds. everyone and everything has changed. if the past two years went by that fast, how fast are the next 10 or 20 years going to look? just for a second, put aside whatever your agenda may be. what makes you the person you are? what defines your "culture". most likely if you live in america, money has defined your culture. we have so many toys to buy, and so many ways to uselessly decorate our superficial bodies. so many conviences to purchase for our homes. so many people to impress and keep up with. and we call this living.

that's not living to me.
maybe that's why i'm so unfullfilled.